Rubic's Cube in My Heart

A Box of Emotions

 There’s a box inside me, I can feel it right next to my heart. My imagination suggests, it looks like ‘The Rubic’s Cube’. There’s a bit of blue bitterness, a little green greed, heaps of yellow hilarity with a pinch of red rage. I twist and I turn and boogie around to make a perfect pattern. But I’m not a scholar, neither a diplomat, and so every single time I twirl, I’m a new shade, a new tinge.

Sometimes I laugh with so much insanity I feel I’d flip inside out. I feel so bright as if the sun is blowing its amber rays straight into my head with a straw. I try controlling the eruption but it over flows like a waterfall does during monsoon. The fact that I have no control over this eruption of fanatic laughter makes me laugh harder, and the cycle goes on for hours together.   I’m insane because I’m carefree.

I laugh at the funniest of jokes and then at the silliest of sentences that barely require a giggle, I laugh because I feel funny. Then, at times, I cry so hard I feel I’d bust a vain in my throat. The tears fall and dry making dirty grey pathways on my cheeks and then they fall again following that same path. I sob, I scream, I wail, I howl and hope no one catches me in fits.  I look at myself in the mirror while splashing water on my eyes to soothe them and then I cry at how sad I look. I cry because I’m sorry for being sad.

There are days when I feel like making to sense, I mix yellow with grey and orange with turquoise to yield nothing but euphoria. I dance without music, on roads, in parks. People stare, I blow kisses at some, to some I blow raspberries. I sing random songs with lyrics that barely rhyme. I utter words I’ve just invented out of the blue. I roll on grassy green gradients and pretend to be swimming in cottony cold clouds. I fly airplanes on the road, asking people the way towards nowhere. They call me a retard, and I feel like I’ve been honored.  I scream, I yell, I annoy people, I kiss, I dance, I rock and roll, I do it because I’m senseless.

They call me a bitch! Not one, not two, they all do. They say I’m pompous and mean and downright rude. Well honestly, I love that mood. When I say ‘I hate her’, It’s because I mean it. I can be jealous, and why not? I want the best for me and what’s wrong in that? I want those  stilettos, I want them even though I have the same ones in a different shade. Yes, they go with my new green dress, my costume of greed.  I ain’t always like that. But when I am, I’m the best at it too. I’m arrogant because I know I rock it, even if it makes my red heart get little black polka dots. I’m a bitch because I’m snotty.

You mess with me once, you’d be scared to do it again. I’m a ball of red fire, I’m short-tempered and hot headed. But that’s only when I’m on my last nerve. I’m like the deep blue sea, that says nothing till its tampered with. Till you’re good I’m fantastic, when you bug me I shall tolerate, but dare driving me mad I’ll swallow you alive. My rare red rage, comes sans warning or security gear. It isn’t an adventure sport, don’t meddle with it for your own bloody safety. It can be fatal so don’t test it. I’m hot-headed because I know the limit of tolerance.

And then at times I switch from being arrogant and forget my cat fits because I want to be cute. I see a little cuddly puppy dog, wagging its tail and dropping its drool and my heart transforms into a white fur ball with faint brown spots on it. I want to hug people and help them and be nice to everyone and everything because somewhere within me is a little kid that doesn’t know the ills and odds of this nasty world.  I know what it feels like to lose yourself in a vacuum, that has no gains, no loses. It’s just me, a relatively good person, against the world, that I assume isn’t bad either. I’m adorable because I’m compassionate.

I can be carefree and then I can be gloomy. I can be senseless on minute and then I turn snotty. From a roaring tigress to a playful puppy. I’m a bit here and a bit there, a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I have in me every color of the rainbow. Every shade of me is unique, every story mesmerizing. It’s because I love me, more than any priced possession, more than any of my beloveds.